06 October 2010

French Vogue Turns 90 and American Fashion Puts Me to Sleep

Let me sum up paragraph one in one sentence: I'm ages behind writing blah blah blah.

Ok, so we cleared that bit up. Sorry for the fashion hiatus, I am sure some of you have just been sitting around wondering...where is that kvlm?? How dare she leave us hanging at the edge of the fashion pinnacle that is Spring 2011 Ready to Wear? I mean really...the world needs to know what's going on on those runways.

Or not. Yes, I'm behind. Does it matter? No, not really. Not when we have heightened security encompassing the whole of Europe while the fashion set frolic around Paris as if it's 1927.

I've got this mad OCD issue that only allows me to peruse the runway shows as they hit the press in the order that they occur. If I deter from that, something snaps in my brain. So while Paris is in fact turning out some beautiful things even as we speak, I'm barely through New York's Fashion Week let alone London or Milan.

I'm gonna wrap New York fashion week up for ya though -- get used to these things: white, ethereal frocks, orange sun soaked textiles, and our continued attempt at "fashion forward" thinking otherwise known as deconstructed minimalism (zzzzzzzzzzz). Honestly, it was one extreme or the other. But then when is it not? I know it makes me a horrible American to say this but AMERICAN FASHION IS SO BORING (with the exception of a handful of designers). I mean really...we either need to get out more or get thee to a library. It's unimaginative and uninteresting. PLUS...is there a reason we have to have 198,000 runway shows in one week's time as opposed to the 40 the other cities have? Oh, right, because we are a land of more is better. Right.

I say we scale New York Fashion Week back to those designers that really set trends, have a solid reputation, and realistically break open the proverbial box, and sprinkle that with a healthy does of newbies. All of these other shows that seem like maybe they only occur for the sake of a few or at the want of someone's grossly over-funded semi-imaginative thought processes could be housed either the week before or the week after. But then I'm not in charge...so...moving on.

So, yes, I prefer Parisian fashions. Who doesn't? They are colorful, sexy, charming, witty and wildly unique. What I love even more is when you toss Parisian fashion with a little masquerade and you get a culmination of the elite fashion set looking either perfect or perfectly inane. Behold La Bal Masque (du French) Vogue:

(HRH) Carine Roitfeld, Editor Extraordinaire, rocking a chic 1960's cat woman look:

And with Jean Paul Gaultier:

Gisele Bundchen. We have a rule about Gisele. Her name should always be said very quickly and with a German accent. It hasn't quite taken on verb form in the household yet but I fear it will. And she's Brazilian. Go figure.

I'm neither here nor there about her ensemble (although I'd like that mask, please...I am sure it would go over really well at our neighborhood Publix). What strikes me is how ridiculously thin she is. Maybe she should have spent the money she spent on her frock on an all you can eat buffet. I prefer my Gisele with curves, thank you very much. If I need to cut a window out of my car, I'll call a professional. I don't need Gisele's shoulder blade or clavicle to do it for me.

And speaking of skinny...Anna Dello Russo, Editor at Large for Vogue Japan. I kind of love her. She might be my current fashion hero. And I don't know what's going on with this hat but I do know if anyone can wear this, it's her.

Diane von Furstenberg obviously went to the same milliner. Of course, Diane can do no wrong, either, and that lovely bloke on her arm, Zac Posen, looks eerily like he wandered out of a Dracula film for this shindig. Not that there is a thing in the world wrong with that (is it just me or has Zac been skipping dessert?)

All hail Dita Von Teese.

She's magnifique! Always. Adore her, adore her, adore her.

But then there was a lot to adore. It's Paris, it's fashion, it's divine, it's everything you want your fashion to be. But there's always got to be a couple of people who maybe read the invitation wrong or had some sort of fashion catastrophe immediately proceeding said ball. In this case, those people are Karolina Kurkova, Kate Moss and Tyra Banks.

When you Google Karolina Kurkova, one would think Victoria's Secret would be the first thing to pop up. But, yeah, no. It's "Karolina Kurkova Weight"...the untold secrets of her weight problem. Folks, if she has a weight problem then I, and many that I know, must be prepping for our roles in Shamu's show down at Sea World. She's gorgeous and curvy -- in all the right spots (though not in this shot...she obviously needs to hit up that buffet as well). Really, you people need to watch Mad Men and get on with the clue that stick insect/no curves is NOT sexy. It's boring. And kind of scary.

But then so is this ensemble. It's like Batman ate Big Bird. Or similar. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be scared of her, ask her to protect me, or put her in the oven with carrots. It's very confusing. Much like her "weight problem."

I'm no Kate Moss fan. I never have been, never will be. Sure, I get the appeal and the whole "look at me, I'm a waif" thing but the whole "doing drugs when you are a single parent" thing...yeah, that I cannot support in any facet. I don't care if she's in an orange jumpsuit at county or in a orange Lacroix at the Place de Vendome. Call me old-fashioned.

And this photo is such a great example of that sort of reckless Kate we all know and are tired of hearing about. How she still lands campaigns is beyond me because she looks a hair away from a spoon and a candle in some dark hotel room with a Billie Holiday record skipping in the background. There are just so many other interesting people in fashion. Please put Kate in rehab and let's all agree to move on.

Let me first disclaim that I am a huge fan of the TyTy (or Tyra as she is known to the outer circle). I don't always agree with what goes down on her shows, but I like that she is doing something to transform the way people see "pretty." However, throwing a fishnet over your punim and mixing that with soft-Bob Mackie is not a look I can get behind. She looks like she went swimming and got her face caught in a tuna net. And in a last ditch effort to draw attention away from her aquatic faux pas, she hit up the costume rejects from the made-for-tv-movie, Merlin.

Dear Tyra, you are friends with Andre. Please consult.

So tomorrow...ok, maybe not tomorrow, but soon...I promise highlights from the runways. There is much to share but so much to not bother you (or anyone) with. Sadly. Of course Vogue (American, French, Japanese....) may beg to differ that point but they are just selling you magazines and, well, I'm not selling you a thing.