11 June 2010

Oh Blogger...

you are just about as painful sometimes as Carrie Underwood's dress at the CMT Awards the other night. Though my original intent for this blog was to welcome myself into Music City's fashion scene by covering the CMT's from Wednesday, I am more than mildly distracted by your new "design" tab.

At first I thought, whimsically, that "oh this will be fun!" Then I sadly realized that once you've crossed over to the new you cannot return to the old. I like the old. In almost all settings, cases, and instances in life. And so it is with a side eye at you, dear Blogger, that I relinquish my old header because I can no longer locate the photograph in which to manipulate the width of layout for this confounded "newness." Lucky for you, I love these three new photographs almost as much but not so lucky for you, you've just given me one more reason to get on to the Wordpress I've spoken so longingly about for months now. I just need a not so hot morning, a camera, and a 1950's ball skirt (of which I hope to have all three this weekend) and I'm out of here.

Mess with my header, will you...

Back to the task at hand.

So I'm driving around aimlessly in downtown Nashville with my husband and child. We've had Starbucks. It's raining and the lightening is magnificent over the skyline. Life is good. Until we realize not only are we in rush hour traffic coming out of of the city but we are almost out of gas. I start to panic mildly. Ok, maybe not so mildly. I do not long to break down in rush hour traffic anywhere with my six year old in the car. Call it responsible parenting panic.

As we are crossing the bridge out of the city and into the West End, I playfully joke to husband that every blacked out sedan or limo we pass is a famous person. Little did I know, I wasn't wrong. Seems we were rolling out of the city in pursuit of fuel just as the who's who of country music was rolling in for an awards show. No, I didn't watch the show. I'm not a total Nashvillian yet. But I did catch the...blue carpet? Blue? Yeah, I'm going to need that to change.

I am both elated by the following photos and scared senseless. On one hand, it seems there might actually be a valid market to become a somewhat successful stylist in this town, you know, if I knew anyone (don't mind me, I'm just over here living in my air castle again). On the other hand, what in the name of G-d is going on here? There's a Louis Vuitton store here, right? I mean, right??? I'm confused. Confused eye at you CMT, confused eye.

I think we can all agree that Taylor Swift is a stunner who still has some little girl cuteness to contend with at the age of 20. Which is why this dress should have been left from whence it came. It's combo overall and Ms. Havisham's settee covering. I am not a fan. That buckle strap trend went out aggeeessss ago and this color is just all wrong. Especially, dear G-d, with the BLUE carpet.

Why in the name of Minnie Pearl's hat is the carpet blue again?

Ok, so I think we can all also agree that Sheryl Crow is hot: see exhibit A here. In her usual habitat of tight jeans, sleeveless shirts or vests and cowboy boots, there aren't many who would turn away (I mean, hell, even me, and I'm straight). But this is head to toe wrong. I kind of like the dress in a I-found-this-at-the-Burlington-Coat-Factory sort of way and you know you probably really don't like it you are just excited about getting a great deal but then...no. Or is it just the entirely too informal WHITE wedge shoes that are getting to me? Because those are 14 shades of wrong. And then then bag is also white. Are we getting married here or...what's happening?

I don't care that it's after Memorial Day, I cannot cotton with the white shoes. (I don't know what that means exactly but I've heard it in abundance in the past 10 days.)

Martina McBride...another country music star I've always thought was pretty hot. But lord help me if she does not date herself like a grandma playing bingo in this outfit. I'm just really confused...where do Nashville's elite shop? Belk? Not that there is anything wrong with Belk but hello!..you are Martina McBride. I'm quite certain you could get L'Wren Scott on the phone if need be. Which -- Need. Be.

I just need a complete moment of silence for this 1980's extravaganza of horrid-icity. There are no words, Leann. No words at all. I'm speechless, truly. Ok, well maybe not totally speechless because, let's face it, that never happens. Do you have a stylist? I mean you managed to look super cute in the aftermath of your private "bidness" being all up in the news but you couldn't turn it out for an actual carpet walk? Ok, maybe the blue carpet threw you off, too, and you just got overwhelmed and confused by the ugliness of it all so you pulled out a chunk of fabric your memaw bought at the Hobby Lobby back in '82 when she was going to make you a duffle bag for dance class, threw a belt around that mess, skipped hair and makeup and rolled on with your bad geometric nightmare of a dress self. I'm just not really sure but I'm concerned for you. And have the sudden urge to play Atari and listen to "Secret Lovers" by Atlantic Starr.

I can't bring myself to cut on the Pickler. I think she's cute, she's from North Carolina and I admire her tenacity. I understand why the thought she liked this. I just don't understand why someone let her buy it. I'll let you think amongst yourselves on this number, I like her too much and...will...show...restraint.......

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH *cowers back in fear of Kara DiwhateverhernameisfromAmericanIdolwhowillneverreallyreplacethecutedysfunctionthatwasPaulaAbdul because she looks like she might eat you* Frightening. Truly.

I'd like to insert a side bar here, a helpful hint if you will *cue sappy music overture that indicates I care deeply* you may want to lay off the BLUE when you are walking a BLUE carpet. Just a thought.

I'm not even really sure what brought Hayden Panitierre to the CMT Awards but she apparently forgot to bring the remainder of her dress. No...no, really, I actually don't hate this dress. I'm assuming it's from Emilio Pucci's fall 2010 collection since Jessica Biel wore something very similar from that collection just last week to the A Team premiere (Hayden's stylist should have probably known that in order to avoid the onslaught of comparisons that always entail when these things happen) and therefore it intrigues me. That collection was exquisite. But this dress is entirely wrong for her body. Plus it looks like she just threw a baby sling on over her merry widow and called it a day. It's a mind boggling dichotomous assault on the senses. Not to put too fine a point on it.

Another country music stunner, another bad dress. Was there a bad dress theme maybe that was supposed to go with the bad carpet? Because that would totally explain everything. Ok, let's break this down.

a) The color is perfect for her; she looks young and diaphanous in pink. I dig it.

b) Um, the top separates her girls in a way that is most unflattering and reminds me of when Carol Burnette used to run around with balls in her top that hung to the floor. Not to say that Faith has that particular issue, obviously not. It's just the way the dress is cut.

c) That waist band detail is doing something funky to the fabric at her hips. My guess is that this sucker is super lined with some horrid fabric that was not cut on the bias. Had it been, it would have draped perfectly around her perfect figure.

d) The return of the hoof shoe! *dundundu* I've said it once, I'll say it 100 times. These shoes do not work with every dress, and they especially don't work with long, ethereal gowns. They hoof you. And no girl (or woman) wants to be hoofed. Don't fall victim, beware the hoof shoe.

And last, but certainly not least, of the blue carpet disasters from Music City...the dress that about did me in. Maybe I was wrong about the bad dress theme for the show. Maybe the theme was 1980's? That would explain pretty much every single thing hovering above these lines. I mean, really? Flourescent pink? Flourescent pink? Flourescent pink with a ruffle collar and a killer tan? Too bad she didn't feather her hair, she'd have had Blaire from Facts of Life keeling over with envy. Such a pretty girl...so very in need of a stylist (I'm available!)

There were two "saves" if you will. Music City wasn't a total frockmare.

Lady Antebellum singer Hillary Scott pretty much nailed it in this black dress. She looks classy and fashionable but the dress still has that little bit of Grand Ole Opry pizazzz. (I can only say the word pizazz if I use jazz hands...do it with me now, you know you want to.)

Julianne Hough. I have absolutely no idea who she is other than she sings and is very young. And kind of resembles Meg Ryan in this photo. She's killing me (not in a good way) with these shoes but this is about the most fashion forward the CMT's got last night. I don't love it, no. But I think it's interesting.

Hopefully this is not the face of things to come for me fashion wise in this great town. If it is, if it indeed gets worse, you may find me in the closet clinging to my Marc Jacobs, rocking back and forth. Or out trying to change it.


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