Pump the Brakes

I've been a long time follower of the annual Costume Institute Gala at the Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York City. I think it all started that year my sister and I blatantly charged a full-service trip to the Big Apple just to go to the Institute's Haute Couture exhibit. Boy, did it take me years to pay off that debt...but it was well worth it. It was my introduction to Vionnet, Worth and the beginnings of exquisitely designed frocks.

The Gala is kind of like the Oscars times ten, on steroids, and with a couple of rounds of Red Bull and Vodka. Unlike the Oscars, where every second or third person is worth a pan-out, every Gala attendant is trying to thrill onlookers. Or scare them, I'm not really sure which because this year it looks like they chased that Red Bull and Vodka with a magnum of broken glass...that was covered in acid...set on fire and mixed with fruit punch.

This year's event was entitled "Model as Muse," a throwback to the famous faces gracing millions of covers over several decades. And you know I'm all about a good supermodel. Mix that with the overall struggle to live up to the Costume Institute's catalog and you get one dangerous cocktail. Behold...

note: not sure what's going on with some of the pictures but i've been writing this forfreakinever so i'm not fixing it...just click for larger views, girls!



Far be it for me to say anything negative about the hierarchy of global fashion, but Anna Wintour needs to a) eat a burger and b) stop borrowing upholestry from her interior decorator. I know it's Chanel but even Chanel, on a stick insect, can't save her. Paulina Porizkova, "legendary supermodel" who now judges America's Next Top Model (in the most annoying of ways, I might add) looks like a push-up and a lemondrop had a baby and threw up Gossamer. I just do not get this color combination. And Hilary Swank? Do you remember when Carol Burnette used to parade around the stage with tennis balls in her top and her shoulders slumped? Yes, so do I. And you are a dead ringer for her in this gown. Michael Kors < fail.


What in the name of Knots Landing is this? I mean seriously, my expectations of all three of these gorgeous women are so much higher. Brooke dates herself about ten years in this teal column with very '80's hair and makeup; Cindy, while the dress fits her supremely, looks a bit like the Cookie Monster in satin with head to toe blue; and Molly Sims looks like Jiffy Pop deluxe got hit with a bedazzler. Frightening girls, just frightening. And note the shoes...the whole short dress/clunky shoe combo was everywhere and I am not a fan. NOT a fan.


Now these three scare me all for very different reasons, they're just inconsequently short. I love Anne's Marc Jacobs dress...I think...the color is regal, the design is flawless. But the hair, the shoes and the make-up smack of Joan Collins and that's just not ok. Give me about three more inches on that hem, a really good push-up bra and softer locks and we would be good to go. Now Diane Kruger's Chanel dress is adorable and I love the black accents. Again, just wish the hem had a little more...substance? Same for Kate. The best thing about her ensemble is what she has on her arm, and while the designer is responsible for her look, I can't help but really not love this Marc Jacobs. She looks like my Grandma in the early 70's; she's just had her hair "did," and nothings been laundered except the outfit she wore to that costume party about the music she didn't understand. Awesome.


I hate to pick on newly engaged and glowing Clare Danes in her Armani Prive. It's not that she doesn't look lovely...the color is good for her, it's elegant, her skin is amazing. But this is a good lesson in proportion. The line of the top looks entirely too low for her thin neck and rather defined clavicles making her, well, bosom look much smaller; therefore the space between her girls and her waist looks a lot shorter than it actually is giving her waist little definition and drawing more attention to the width of her thighs. And Clare Danes doesn't really have "thighs." So...yeah, sorry for the long drawn out but this is something I see a lot in thin girls who have some curves down south but not much up north. You have to be careful of that waist line! (Wow...I sound like an old seamstress named Hazel who is like 55 years old and wears the same thing every day).

Anyscare, let's move on to the goth in between. Karen Elson, simply, looks like Coppola's Lucy from Dracula (not that that's necessarily a bad thing, depending on the day and my mood) but the fact that Jack is looking ever so jaundiced as usual, coupled with the Stoker feel of her overall schtick, really is overkill. But I would like to give him a nod for his shoes. I just want to cut his hair, straighten his spine and get him some sun. Didn't he read V.C. Andrews? Too little sun can lead to an enlarged nog. Geez.

Do you even recognize Rachel Weisz, that seering magical British beauty everyone adores, in the third photo? Because I didn't. It would appear that Mistress Wang got a hold of my lovely girl and tulled her to death. Even she looks confused. From the knees to the top of the dress, I love it...I mean what girl doesn't get a little doe-eyed over ballet pink and tulle? From the knees down it looks a bit like the fairy skirt I stapled to a ribbon for my nieces third Halloween. But I actually used colors that went together. And speaking of things that don't go together...Tyra's hair doesn't go with anything. Ever. At all. Period. Is it a hat? Is it a weave? Is it a backwards chignon? I don't know but apparently she's starving her do the same way she's starving her body. One can only assume that she followed Goop's detox diet since the highlight of this Gala would be on models of her decade...and lord knows child did not want to look like she'd had too many date nights with Ben & Jerry when she's wearing Badgley (&) Mischka.


I know two girls whose stylists are out of a job today.


What on earth has happened to Selma Blair? And who told her that hand bag was ok with her black Marc Jacobs? And why is Winona Ryder still relevant? And what in the name of the Good Lord is she wearing?


Now this is just the creme de la creme of fashion no-no's. And it's the creme de la creme of fashionistas; the Godmother of all things cool and trendsetting. Now I get that the Costume Institute Gala allows people to push the envelope a bit and teeter on that fine line between clothing and costuming but really? What in the hell? The actual concept of the "dress" (and I use that term very loosely) is interesting (it is, afterall, Louis Vuitton) but if you close your eyes real tight (you know, after the gag reflex of seeing Madge this way) you can almost envision this dress with a few more tiers and hitting the floor...think saloon if you will. But the thing in the hair just looks like she had some sort of horrid and rancid breakdown in the process of getting ready for this shindig. Like maybe she had a very Scarlett moment and got ahold of her curtains. I don't know...I just know it's bad. Real bad. Bai Ling bad...no, maybe even worse.

However, I get now why Jesus is named Jesus, because JESUS...look at that man.

I only stuck Leighton Meester next to Madge because this, too, is Louis Vuitton. Now, honestly, I don't hate this. The structure is fantastically interesting and the color is great. And she looks edible. But that four inches between her shin and her ankle? Yeah not so much. Just say no to Xanadu, people, say no.

Ok...phew. So this is how NOT to do it, so let's go on to how TO do it:


Agyness Deyn in Burberry; Emma Roberts in Atelier Versace (this is how to do short dresses with clunky shoes!); Ivanka Trump in Brian Reyes; and Marion Cotillard in Galliano with the designer.


Zac Posen and Helena Christensen in his design (doesn't he look incredible!); Mary-Kate Olsen in Christian Lacroix (thank G-d someone wore Christian Lacroix last night); Heidi Klum and her adorable pregnant self in J Mendel with the designer, Gilles Mendel; Victoria Beckham (signature pose?) in Marc Jacobs.


Kate Hudson, Stella McCartney, Liv Tyler and Kate Bosworth all in Stella McCartney.


These are the girls we love! Kristen McMenamy in Givenchy Couture; Amber Valleta in vintage James Galanos; Shalom Harlow; Stella Tennant in vintage Helmut Lang; Natalia Vodianova in vintage Fortuny; Nadja Auermann in Lanvin; and Eva Herzigova in vintage Dolce & Gabbana.


And the five best go to...Elizabeth Hurley in Elie Saab; Jessica Biel in Versace (her stylist should get a huge raise for this one); Oluchi Onweagba in Oscar de la Renta; and Shalom Harlow...and number five...


Veronica Lake or Kate Bosworth? She really embodies the history and glamour that is housed behind the glass installation at the Costume Institute. It's classic and current at the same time. Stella McCartney's design is flawless on her. And if you have any question of that, just take a gander at Bruce Willis' face.


xoxo, k.

A Blog Longer than any Mickey Rourke Speech Could Have Ever Been...

Ah, Oscar night. There are a million reasons I sit down at 6:00 and stick it out til the bitter end of the Oscars (which was nearly midnight last night), most of them being the dresses. But last night's Oscar performance really was a departure from anything I've seen since I started watching it at the tender age of 4. It was a SHOW. Not just a snooze fest of long drawn out speeches and thank you's; it was David O. Selznick's Hollywood, it was the Coconut Club, it was pretty damn cool. Hugh Jackman was wonderful, the set was gorgeous and I loved the overall way it was shot. I commend you, Academy, even if I don't always agree with you.

Now about those dresses...I have to start with my absolute favorite. Penelope Cruz definitely won for best dressed last night in a 60 year old Pierre Balmain. She was exquisite; of course I'm a sucker for vintage couture but especially a sucker for someone who wears it as beautifully and non-pretentiously as Penelope (take a cue, SJP). I'm so thrilled she won for best supporting actress; I just think she is a doll.

Let's talk about Amy Adams. I love Amy Adams in ways I can't even explain. Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day should have been nominated and I'm still kind of pissed that it wasn't, if not just for costume design. Wth? Anyway, I'm not sure how I feel about Amy's Herrera. It's kind of like a Jello Mold...interesting to look at but you could kind of take it or leave it for taste sake. Ok, weird analogy but you get me.


A quick line on Jessica Biel because that's really all I have for her. Interesting Prada choice; I realize a lot of critics weren't crazy about it but I think it's...interesting. (Which is kind of like fine, but more...substantial?) I'm just glad she finally looks like a girl and not some anime action figure waiting to kick my ass.

Marion Cotillard can do no wrong fashion-wise in my book. This Dior is heaven.

Viola Davis. Radiant. Glowing. Flawless in Reem Acra. Loved her.


I'm not even really sure who Melissa George is or why she was at the Oscars but she needs to fire her stylist. Like yesterday. She looks like a ballerina shoved into a sausage skin. Just sayin'.

Taraji P. Henson is adorable. Wow, is she super cute and super bubbly. And her dress? Super hot. Roberto Cavalli.

I know I should only pick on people my own size and really shouldn't give a Disney kid any sort of flack but in the name of Hepburn (Audrey and Kate), I'm gonna have to say this to get it out of my system. This is Vanessa Hudgwhateverhernameis. My nieces, I'm sure, love her. I don't know much about her; she's probably a lovely person. But unfortunately she has just bought herself a one way ticket to the island I created for Jennifer Love Hewitt. I GET (trust me, I get) the Hepburn obsession. Love her, or them for that matter, from a distance. Don't copy them verbatim and please please don't compare yourselves to them in public. No one will ever be Audrey or Katherine again. It's just not going to happen. So Vanessa Hudgenfrock said she chose this Marchesa because it reminded her of a young Audrey Hepburn. This is funny on two levels to me because other than the cut of the lower half which mildly resembles Audrey's Givenchy in Sabrina, this dress doesn't look anything like her. It's more Paula Abdul in my book. The other thing is exactly how does one say a "young Audrey Hepburn" when they are like a) 12 and b) unaware that the Audrey was in fact "young" until the day she died. Ugh. Ok, over protective and territorial...coming down off ledge...ggrrr...disney kids....ggrrrr.

Angelina in Elie Saab. Not sure I really dig the dress but it was a perfect fit for the gems because you could see those suckers about a mile away. They must have been special Chernobyl emeralds or something, my girl was aglow.

Heidi Klum can pretty much wear whatever the hell she wants. She's Heidi Klum. And she's married to Seal. Talk about a perfect couple. But what in the name of Tim Gunn was she wearing last night? I mean seriously, gather round. I'm intrigued. And not in a good way. I understand it's Roland Mouret but I'd have worn a Kenley "original" before I'd worn this. The color is bad, the jewelry is bad, the hair is bad, the shoes are reeallll bad. Of course she's still hot even looking bad but Heidi, this is a lot of look. Edit, sister, Edit.


Thank you, dear heavenly gods Dolce and Gabbana for FINALLY putting Diane Lane in a dress that is as sexy as she is. Ever since The Outsiders (ok, I just totally dated myself) I have thought Diane Lane was one of the most ridiculously sexy women in Hollywood but usually her fashion choices leave me longing for a bit of Cherry. She finally nailed it. Hoorah.

You know, I never even saw Virginia Madsen in last night's telecast and that's just a shame because WOW does she look incredible..total honorable mention for her in this Kevan Hall number. She is stunning.

When they fall, they fall hard. Not to say that SJP's dress isn't EXQUISITE, I mean, hello, it's Dior Haute Couture (as she told us on her way into the Kodak Theatre roughly 500 times), but the overall affect? Yuck. I just picked up this month's Bazaar with SJP on the cover; I've been a fan for awhile though I have to say I think her style icon-ism really is at the hands of Patricia Fields (did ya see Square Pegs?). In the issue, SJP depicts Dianna Vreeland in several rather disturbingly Dianna perfect portraits. I love that she did that; Dianna Vreeland was an amazing woman and dare I say we need to "witness" these tales of the Dianna's and the Carmel's so that future generations understand the role they played in fashion as we go down the runway of life. However, rolling the Vreeland look out into public mixed with a typically Sarah ballet dress? Yeah, not so much. And I mean, seriously, I know there are people in the world who don't pronounce haute couture correctly but repeating it over and over only served to make you seem oh so uber pretentious and I'd really like to not think of you that way. So, next time, tone it down a notch; and turn the blond back on in your hair. That color with "barely mint" is barely tolerable.

Frieda Pinto is smashing in this blue John Galliano. All the critics have raved and raved about it. I'd like to note that I think she is the only person on Earth who could have pulled this off though. That color on her skin mixed with her effortless grace and beauty are a perfect match.

I have admired Meryl Streep for years; decades even. Not only is she one of the greatest actresses of all time, I also think she is a great beauty. When I rented Mamma Mia, I won't lie, I was scared. By the end of it, I was not only disappointed that it was over but I found myself repeatedly thinking, damn I hope I look like that when I'm that age. Mamma was smokin'. So you'd think a putty colored Alberta Ferreti gown would be the last thing on earth you'd see her in after such an amazing year. Think again.

I joke that Tilda Swinton is really a droid but the truth is, I'm wildly curious about her. She's kind of gorgeous in a very almost Taltos kind of way isn't she? And her style?? Totally avant garde and envelope pushing. Yeah, I love her. And she's in Lanvin. I love her even more.

Another of my favorites: Marisa Tomei in Versace. There's just something about Marisa Tomei that all guys love and most girls envy. Fantastic dress choice.

When Kate Winslet first stepped out onto the red carpet, my immediate reaction was, Dear G-d, she looks just like Grace Kelly. And she did. She's so classy; so demure; and I admire her greatly. She absolutely deserved her Best Actress win last night; it's been a long time coming. On the flip side of that, however, (please, G-d, forgive me for what I'm about to say) after looking at the dress and hair from every conceivable angle, I just cannot say...I love it? Ok, yes, I love the dress. In its cut, design, the fact that it is Yves Saint Laurent. The color is heaven. But it's just too...dowager? A bit old for her, I think that's my issue. You see I just think she is so divine and I'd like to see her in something that is neither of these three things: blue, black or slate gray. I think she'd be smashing in pink or yellow even. Call me, Kate, we'll go shop.

And speaking of those who dress a little too beyond their age range. I go back and forth with Anne Hathaway. I mean, I love the clothes, from a fashion-addict perspective. She has phenomenal taste. BUT just because you love something does not (does not does not) mean you should wear it (a lesson I wish I'd learned about ten years earlier, thank you chiffon 3/4 length jacket over leggings with clogs!) Anyfrock, I love this Armani Prive dress but I just want to see her in something more fun; something that says, yes I kick ass. Not just, yes, look at me, I'm a serious actress above the Hollywood hype. We know you are serious, you are a brillant actress. Just loosen up. Personally, I liked the dress she wore to dance with Jackman far better than this very stately and severe frock.

Reese Witherspoon wasn't the only one to don Rodarte last night (Natalie Portman's bubble gum pink was also a Rodarte) and honestly I didn't really like either of them. This blue and black number doesn't do anything for her at all. Not the color, especially not the cut. Luckily for Reese, she's not only a gorgeous girl on the outside but she's gorgeous on the inside so shortly after she started talking I completely forgot about what looks like a high school mascot got shredded to bits by the rival team and glued back together as a dress. Or something like that.

Last, but certainly not least, Jennifer Aniston in Valentino. For those of you who may not know (ie. those of you don't give a shit about the Oscars unlike your up-too-late on a school night friend here), Jennifer presented two awards shortly into the night with actor Jack Black. In front of Brad and Angelina. Directly in front of. As in they were seated in the front row of what is typically the orchestra pit. As in Angie was on Jennifer's lap. And I can't imagine how uncomfortable that had to be for all of them. Awkward. I think Jennifer is adorable and quite honestly, I feel for her. For all the "uncools" she kind of held it together quite well while the ENTIRE world talked about her love life ad nauseum for what, five years? I'd say she's pretty kick ass. However, I'd like to put her stylist out of a job. Valentino? Gorgeous. Classic. Silver? Ok, pretty, shiney, light colors were very in this year. Braid in hair? Cute, quirky, very California girl. BUT COME ON!!! Can someone please hook her up with some Vivienne Westwood or Alexander McQueen? Or maybe even ask Tom Ford for a favor??? Golden Rule of relationship take 'n bakes: if you have to show up directly in front of the ex and the ex snatcher, do it with a bang! It's kind of like still putting on lipstick when you've had the flu for 2 days. Pointless but oh so necessary.

Represent, girls, represent.


xoxoxo, kvlm