10 March 2010

Grannies Galore

I have a wicked case of the blahs. And Oscars' fashion is still lingering. So, as it is about to start a steady rain outside on this warm, gray day, let's continue the Oscar theme I've got going on here. This is the last of it...I swear. Paris is in the wings and McQueen's final collection shows today and that is just scads more important.

Behold, the Oscar after party frocks. Let's do this in reverse order: Yeah, No. Meh. and Yes! Bring it on.

Yeah, No.

Hilary Swank

Oh Hilary, Hilary, Hilary. What is this all about? Some deep seeded need for attention? Because honey you got it. I think you got everyone's attention because you are, essentially, from the waist up, naked. And that is just not at all something I ever needed to see. From the waist down, this dress had real potential but then it looks like maybe you felt under appreciated and went at it with the scissors.

I can see you now, running through the house looking for the sheers as some girlfriend/sister type tries desperately to stop you but by then you've got that crazed look in your eye. Your veins are popping out of your neck and you are determined, determined I tell you, to look sexier than anyone else at the VF party. Finally, in a fit of rage and cacophony of tortured voices, fabric flying everywhere, you succeed and both of you are laid out on the floor in total exhaustion. The friend leaves, defeated, and you are left to Hollywood tape yourself into the dress alone.


Milla Jovovich

I remember when Milla landed her first cover in the U.S. She was 12 I do believe and being a kid myself, I kind of felt a natural affinity for her. She's one of few model types who I appreciate crossing over into other mediums like she has including film and design. Actually, I think she's a great actress and I have loved her in everything she's done.

But this is not acting...or is it? It's just too much. The dress is ill fitting on her shape and is too designed to work with the opaque black tights, the gold peep toe shoes and the birdcage veil. She could have totally saved her accessories by picking a different, less busy dress that actually fit. Sometimes, in people's quest to look different, they wind up looking like they wandered off from the old folk's home without their meds.

Katie Price (or so they tell me)

I don't really know who Katie Price is or why she's relevant. I feel like maybe I've seen her name pop up on a few sites in the past year but I have absolutely no idea who the heck she is (nor do I care).

I do know, however, that everything about this dress is wrong. It's drag queen Cookie Monster. It's Alabama Beauty Pageant runner-up. It's a Golden Girls wardrobe leftover. It's I-went-to-Michael's-and-bought-two-silk-flowers-and-hot-glued-those-bitches-on. It's just wrong. And I never want to see it again. Please make it stop now. Thank you.

Heidi Klum

Oh Heidi, Heidi, Heidi. You know I love you right? I watch your addictive little show every single week and I get just excited as my husband does when you walk out and say, "Hallow" with your cute little German accent. If this were to appear on Project Runway though I would like to think that you, Michael or Nina would absolutely tear it to pieces. Michael would say, "it's Cleopatra's nightshirt meets Studio 54 and not in a good way." Nina would say,"I'm just not sure about your taste level."

It's too short and, more importantly, it's too small. Go up a size and drop that hem about 2.5" and we have something. Otherwise, auf wiedersehen, Heidi's dress, auf wiedersehen.

Christina Hendricks

For the love of mushrooms, what do we have here? This is just truly a pity because Christina Hendricks is so extremely stunning. From the hip bone up, she looks fantastic. The dress shows off her waistline beautifully and I love the corset cut of the top. Hair is perfect, skin is glowing.

Then we go waist down and it's like an old country club lady dress from 1986. There is nothing ok about a cocktail length pouf. It completely takes away from her ridiculous figure and makes her look oh so matronly regardless of what's going on on top. It's about proportion, people. If that dress just dropped straight to a nice mid-calf length and she had on a sexy peep toe heel and not the make-my-feet-look-too-small-which-doesn't-help-balance-out-my-enormous-breasts shoe she is (not) rocking here, we'd be good to go.

Bar Refaeli

No, you may not go to prom looking like a porn star from the 1970's. Go upstairs immediately and change your clothes!

Anna Kendrick

I guess rocking it so hard at the Oscars was bound to lead to an eventual fashion disaster. Did you borrow this from Bjork and just lop off the unwanted parts (ie. the Swan's head)?

Let me tell you why this dress doesn't work. First, the transition between the skirt is so heavy for the bodice that it weighs it down. What that does in turn is make the top of the dress fit wrong...look at her waistline. Oh, what's that, you can't see it? Exactly. I know this from experience because my wedding dress did the exact same thing.

However, if the dress lost those crazy military cap shoulder pad things made of nightmares and the ice skating illusion spider web netting across her chest AND the bodice were more sculpted and therefore fit her adorable shape, then she'd probably have made it to the Yes! list. But it doesn't, so she won't.


Amanda Seyfried and Emma Stone

Oh, how they mighty have fallen. Amanda made such a mature and sophisticated choice for the actual Oscars and then apparently she started taking fashion advice from the Swamp Thing. This green scalloped seaweed nightmare of a dress does nothing for her at all; it washes her out, consumes her figure and makes Emma Stone look really hot (not that she's not). I think Amanda Seyfried is stunning but she must have been actually stunned when she chose this one. (By the way, the simplicity and elegance of Emma Stone's look is the only reason Amanda here got into the Meh. category. Otherwise home girl would have topped my Yeah, No. list.)

Victoria Beckham

Oh Heidi, Heidi, Heidi....oh wait, this one isn't about Heidi. Sorry, I just get so distracted by how bad that is, I forget what I'm doing. Anyway, back to Victoria, whose style I have to admit I usually love. She's very fashion forward and not afraid to take risks and I really like that about her. But this dress is such a snooze fest. It kind of looks like this shower curtain my ex-boyfriend used to have. Someone just took it down and belted it around her.

And speaking of, I specifically chose this picture to highlight how incredibly skinny she is. In comparison to those flanking her left side she is a stick insect from the Museum of Science. She's Twiggy after a flu bug. She's the spindle on top of the Empire State Building. She's really lovely but you could cut glass with her jaw bone. Victoria, you are no longer in England, land of bad food. It's safe to come out and eat now.

Natalie Portman

I think there are certain women that could wear this and be very sexy, somewhat ingenue. But then there are those women who don't really do sexy in the real world in a genuine, born with the gene sort of way. Natalie Portman is one of those women. Sure, she can look insanely sexy in a photo shoot but then that's what stylist, make-up artists, and good photographers are there for. In real life, it's a bit like she's playing dress up with her older, slightly more sinister sister's wardrobe.

Also, the proportion is off. Something doesn't flow right with the hem and at the waist. I really think if it had been longer and she'd worn her hair down, it would have been perfect. And sexy. As it is, it's just meh.

Kelly Osbourne

Love, love, love that she is so in love with herself now. She's so healthy and it's so refreshing. Well done, Kelly.

Hate, hate, hate that someone told her this dress was ok and that borrowing an umpaloompa's wig was a good idea. She looks really beautiful but she'd have been better served in traditional platinum locks and a differently designed bodice. She is entirely too chesty heavy to carry off the lightweight material that is holding her girls up. A top like this is far better suited for small chested women. I will give her props for going all glam though; she does the all glam angle naturally well.

Kate Bosworth

Oh my G-d, I think my cousin wore this to prom in 1978. I can feel the fabric and it makes me cringe. It's that old cheap rayony type material that all prom dresses were made out of until around 1985. It smacks of handmade and handmedowns. It's ruffled and one-shouldered with a fluttery sleeve which really just should never have happened.

Now granted, it's probably not that material and probably very well made but it only makes it to my Meh. category because I do like the watermelony color on her. It's different and stands out. But really she looks like she is waiting for her prom date so they can do their pictures under the balloon arch.

Jessica Simpson

Originally I had Jessica here in my Yes! category but that pocket just grated on me tremendously over the course of 24 hours. Please, please, people...just because there are a slew of dresses in the market right now that have that somewhat masculine design element does not mean that you have to have your hand stuck in it for every damn photo op (yes, I am talking to you Angelina and Blake).

The occasional hand placement into one's pocket is a casual gesture that invokes a confident posture. The walking around with one's hand in said pocket continuously for hours on end is a Barbie pose. Barbie was plastic, she had no choice. You do. Otherwise, well done, Jessica.


Honestly, the dress is pretty divine and fits her beautifully. But what's with the scowl? She was so light and airy on the red carpet at the Oscars but the second she puts on black she turns into Maleficent? Loosen up sister, that scowl just ruins your pretty dress.

Jodie Foster

She kind of looks hot. Until you see the shoes. Which look like they were on the clearance aisle at the old lady shoe shop. If she'd just worn a plain black heel, she'd look a little less like she was on the Shady Acres bus going to the beach for dinner on the waterfront. Well...she does live on Nim's Island so I see how that could translate.

Hayden Panettiere

Dear Hayden, I think you are so cute. I loved you in Racing Stripes. And I bet you were ridiculously thrilled that The Cove won best documentary (I really wanted to hug you after I saw it). It's always fun to watch "kids" grow up and see what kind of woman they turn into. You seem to be doing it quite well but, sugar, this dress is too long for you. You are what, 5'3"? Consult a tailor next time because a dress this long only makes you look shorter. And we don't want that. Love, me

Abbie Cornish

Although I think Abbie looks beautiful and after seeing Bright Star, I kind of love her, this dress leaves me cold. Granted, Abbie isn't exactly known for her red carpet fashion know how, but she just came off the set with a woman who was nominated for Best Costume Design, surely she could have done better than this. This would have even been better, and at the very least more interesting. Alas, maybe next time. When you get nominated for an Oscar, as I am confident you will, please call me. I can help.


Cameron Diaz

Cameron Diaz gets an A++ for all around perfect Oscar style. I love that this dress mirrors the ballgown she wore earlier in the night with the color palette and the overall movie star feel of it all. It's just divine, head to toe.

Olivia Wilde

I love Olivia Wilde's red carpet style. She rarely, if ever, fails. She has an easy sophistication and maturity that a lot of actresses her age sorely lack. This dress has such a vintage flare to it but her accessories keep it totally modern (I wasn't sure about the belt at first, but the longer I look at it, the more I love it). Her hair and make-up? Also a dream.

Katy Perry

I was on the fence about this being Meh. or Yes! at first but I've decided it's a Yes! What makes it a Yes!, for me, is the cut. This dress couldn't fit her more perfectly if it were brought down from the Heavens by G-d him/herself. And the pattern is such a flattering design for a curvy shape. It makes her look tall and lean and draws attention to her tiny wasp waist. There's something about it, too, that appeals to my dark side. And that is always a Yes!

Faith Hill

Girl, I am so happy you changed out of that grandma gown from before, I just don't even know what to do with myself. This is the style Faith Hill should stick with it. It's clean, simple and modern. She's got entirely too much personality, her features are entirely too big, and she is entirely too Nashville to wear something as cliched as that black lace strapless nightmare she wore to the Oscars. This says style and wow, does she look beautiful.

Debbie Mazar

Ok, so there are those rare few who can pull of Grandma Chic and Debbie Mazar is one of them. No doubt this dress is vintage. She looks divine. I heart. I heart. I heart. (But I do not heart those bridesmaid reject shoes. Let's not do that again, shall we?)

Angie Harmon

There's not much to say about this dress except for that it is insanely dreamy. It wants to be a Cinderella-Tink-Ballerina Delight but the cut and belt reign in it and make it oh so more What-Me-Need-Saving?-I-Hardly-Think-So-I'm-No-Damsel-In-Distress Force to Be Reckoned With. (Not that Angie Harmon ever was a damsel in distress but you get me.)

Amy Adams

Honestly, Amy Adams could wear a paper sack and I would still love her. I am a true believer in the Church of Amy. And bless her heart, she's so preggers.

Ok, I think my husband is going to divorce me if I don't knock it off with the Oscars. And I may actually want to get dressed myself, it is almost 11:00 and while unemployed, I do actually have things to do so...



  1. Ok, I'll give you the Hillary Swank thing...that was unfortunate and trashy. However, how dare you pick on Milla? She's Milla and, OF COURSE, she meant for it to look like that. It's old folks home sans medication chic.

    Also, you know I'm no Jessica Simpson fan, but give her a break about the pocket thing. More than likely she's concealing a handgun in case she runs into John Mayer. Wouldn't you?

    Oh, and I thought Bar Rafalelel...or whatever was a porn star....am I wrong about that?

  2. oh this so so so made my morning. You are so damn hysterical. LOVE THIS! You, my dear, get a YES!

  3. Oh my goodness. I so totally enjoy your commentary. Could you please do the red carpet commentary on E, instead of those other annoying hosts? I would WAY prefer hearing you say "meh."

  4. I still say the purple pompoms were worse than the pouf on that black bodice-ripper number. I know it's couture, but it looked like she was carrying the pelts of 15 ECU cheerleaders. Hee. Awesome post.

  5. The purple dress was heaven! I would wear it tomorrow and the day after, and maybe even the day after. It would, at least, keep the floor free of dust bunnies.

    Dear husband, Milla is not always fashionable. Accept it. Move on. Geez, you are about her the way you are about Winona and don't even get me started on her fashion choices.

    As for Jessica, she should be packing. Good point. John Mayer is the lowest organism on the food chain.