Total Rant. Uncontrollable Tirade.

DEAR HEAVENLY G-D'S OF MOUNT FASHIONPUS. PLEASE PLEASE LET ACTORS, ACTRESSES AND MUSICIANS STOP DESIGNING CLOTHES. I BESEECH YOU. PLEASE ALLOW ONLY THOSE WHO HAVE WORKED ENDLESS ENDLESS HOURS AND ACTUALLY BLED FROM NEEDLE STABS TO DESIGN CLOTHES. JOHN MALKOVICH? EMMA WATSON?? (Ok, I love them both dearly and hers is for charity, but there has to be a point made here folks.) I JUST CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE. I WILL TAKE TO WEARING POTATO SACKS UNTIL THE MADNESS ENDS.

CFDA Fashion Frenzy

I love awards shows. The glamour, the fashion...the drama. The CFDA Awards are a little different, a little more serious if you will. Or maybe it's just the blend of designers, industry insiders, models, actors, actresses and musicians. And finally the designers get the kudos they so richly deserve. Like (my heaven known as) Marc Jacobs for Louis Vuitton who won the International Award. Or the Geoffrey Beene Lifetime Acheivement Award taken home by Anna Sui (and presented by Jack White). Women's Designer of the Year went to the Rodarte team of Kate & Laura Mulleavy (see Kirsten Dunst below). And the Board of Directors' Special Tribute Award, presented by Diane von Furstenburg, went to none other than our First Lady, Michelle Obama, for her commitment to American designers. Oh, if only I'd had a ticket. Or if only someone would jump on televising this! Hello...VH1? Bravo?? Somebody, anybody...

Each time there's an awards show, I try to think of each photo individually so as not to over "write" but you know what? I'm a writer, so bear with me. I can't just stick one photo up with a five sentence paragraph and feel ok. It's all or nothing, people.

So my favorite look of the night really shocked me. And what shocks me even more is that, yea!, an Olsen twin is smiling!!! Alert the media! She must have had a sandwich.

I love everything about this. The color, the fit, the detail, her whole look is fantastic. I'm assuming it's vintage YSL or perhaps Valentino judging by the shape, but whatever it is, it works.

My second favorite is probably the most simple.

It's total badass rocker chic and it's classic Agyness Deyn in gorgeous Anna Sui. Now I have to admit that I'm kind of over AD-everywhere; the girl has BEEN everywhere. But this look is what sets her aside and I totally dig it, head to toe.

I really love Coco Rocha in this Michael Kors number. Simple lines, great color, great hair, perfect makeup. Super hot.


A few more I love:
Diane Kruger in Jason Wu. (She seems to always make really great fashion decisions).

Heidi, of course. We have a bit of Heidi-obsession in this household...she's my husband's "other girlfriend" and I just really adore her energy, style, and attitude. In Michael Kors, of course.

I thought Tracey Ullman, who hosted, looked radiant in Doo.Ri and, as always, Ms. von Furstenburg looks fab.

And one of my last favorites, but certainly not least, Jack White. I don't know why I like this really other than that the brown's match his jaundice better than his traditional black does. I feel like I can actually "see him" for once...his jet black locks usually melt right in to whatever he's wearing and all you are left with are deep set floating eyes on not quite white skin. It's kind of creepy in a fascinating Bram Stoker sort of way. But I digress...

Let's just cut to the chase now and talk about what I didn't like. Starting with the look I just can't seem to get out of my mind because it is totally mind-numbling annoying. Behold.
I keep hearing that Blake Lively is an up and coming fashion icon but I'm just not seeing it. Cute girl; cute dress; but first of all boring! and second of all every single solitary shot of her from the event in her hot pink Kors dress shows her with her thumbs hooked painfully in those front pockets like she's John Wayne's effing granddaughter (or great perhaps?) getting ready to sling out her six-shooter and swagger her way back into the saloon. As Stanley Tucci said in the Devil Wears Prada, give me a full ballerina skirt and a hint of saloon and I'm on board, which I totally get but yeah, not this. It isn't so much "I'm-a-badass" as it is "I'm-trying-so-hard-to-be-cool." Loosen up. It's much cooler looking. And take your freakin' hands OUT of your pockets.

What in the name of the good Holy Lord is Doutzen Kroes wearing? Granted, it's Zac Posen. Given Tucci's quote above. Given a hallucinogenic. Given a different dress. Please. There is just nothing ok about this other than the color. It's like Cinderella, Stevie Nicks, and Malificent are somehow possessing Posen. And not in a good way.

Lonneke Engel in Marchesa. Honestly triggers my gag reflex. It's like a bad ice skating costume from the '80's. In truth, it probably wasn't a bad design but then someone (a stylist? the donner?) decided it would be cute to have it shortened. Yeah, no.

Now this one was a hard one for me. I really actually love the dress...I mean what's not to love about a 1950's style bustier top poufy dress with layers and layers of tulle and Marilyn Monroe's face emblazoned all over white satin? Seriously. I'll take three. But there's just something so ultra-boring about Molly Sims wearing this Dolce & Gabbana. Picture, if you will, the dress on someone like Dita von Teese. High drama, mega-makeup, super sex appeal...the focus on her, not Marilyn (a hard thing to do). Molly doesn't cut it. The super-shiney-happy-California girl look just does not work with this dress. At all. Sorry.

No. Michelle Trachtenberg. No. No. The dress doesn't flatter you at all. The makeup is alien shiney. The hair is I Dream of Jeannie on a bad day. None of it works. Plus you are what? 24? You look ten years older than that. I am all about some Behnaz Sarafpour designs (who is in the photo with Michelle) but this look is a big fat fail, sister. FAIL.

Look everybody! It's Edward Scissorhands' sister! I always thought he was an only-freak. Seriously though, dear Lydia Hearst, you are a Hearst. Surely you can afford a) some food and b) some shoes that would actually compliment that dress. The shoes ruin the dress ruin the hair ruin the makeup. And it all had such potential. Le sigh.


Another one I'm on the fence about...it's not the dress, I dig the dress, and I think I like the shoes. Maybe not the shoes with the dress? I'm not sure. Or maybe it's KiKi looking different than she has in ages. I don't know. I'm confused. Or scared. Hm.

Tallulah Belle Willis in Calvin Klein Collection. Something about this dress reminds me of the following: jellies; my mom's white overly smocked bathing suit from 1978; a jewelry bag; a parachute. I think it's the photograph. I hope, for her sake, it's the photograph.

Hey, even fashion people make mistakes. Next up: the CMT's (yes, I know I'm behind but there was so much fashion debockery in one week I just sat stunned in silence for days).

xo, k.

Disdain Stays Mainly in the Plains

I just have to get this off my chest so I can move on and focus on important things like who wore what to the Tony Awards and why; or why I'm sadly addicted to The Fashion Show (which is kind of related to my rant, but I'll get to that in a second).

I realize there's a flip side to this...a non-judgmental side to it, the part of me that accepts it as it is and thinks, ok, given the chance, I can't say I wouldn't do the same. BUT what is with actors and singers becoming designers? I mean I get the whole "I'm so creative I don't know to do with all my profound energy and it's just shooting out all over the place" excuse they use. And I get that some of them actually have talent (Gwen Stefani, it took me awhile to embrace you, but I dig L.A.M.B...it's pretty hot) and some of them obviously have really great designers, that probably went to Parsons or FIT, working under them (Biten by SJP). But, really, if I see one more line started in the name of somebody who is relevant simply because they hold a microphone, I may implode (yes, I mean you, Liam Gallagher and Miley Cyrus). Now don't get me wrong, I don't have anything specifically against Liam Gallagher and his (snooze alert) line of t-shirts and what not, nor do I have anything against Miley Cyrus who I think is somewhat adorable at best but it just really irks me because I know how hard is to get into this business. And, ultimately, some college grad is going to wind up designing brillance for someone who isn't even accredited to have fashion designer attached to their name. It just gets me a little bit....grrrrrrrrrr....

And what the hell is Max Azria doing designing a line with Miley Cyrus for Wal-Mart in the first place??? When I think Max Azria, who I absolutely love and adore, I just do not think 15-year-old tween. The two just do not go together...sort of like Justin Timberlake and the Bryant Park Tents. Now the "lines" musicians do for stores don't bother me so much...they've been pretty wearable for the most part, some have even been chic...but really people, do what you are good at and let those who dove $60,000 into debt for those design degrees they have have a chance at the pie, please?

Speaking of letting people do what they are good at, why aren't Isaac and Fern enough for The Fashion Show? What exactly gives Kelly Rowland any right whatsoever to judge the future designers of America? Picking out a slew of dresses or being put together by a stylist does NOT make you a fashion expert. Plus, Isaac really doesn't need accessories...he's much more fabulous just on his own. Ok, I understand, they need a Heidi for the Tim, but at least Heidi is a supermodel...that gives her some connection to the fashion world and probably more than an educated opinion. But Kelly Rowland? Singer. Sing. Please. You know what would have rocked? A Supersupermodel like Helena or, G-d, I could have even stomached Cindy. Someone with some actual working knowledge of what a dirndl skirt is for example? Or who invented the New Look? ggrrrr...grrrr....grrr...disdain...grrr.....

Next Vent: Scarfs. When to wear them, when to not (like 90 degree weather in the South...hello??)

Now back to your regularly scheduled programming already in progress.

xoxo,
kvlm

Frocking for Others

I love shopping for other people. Why is it so much easier than shopping for myself? (Ok, my husband would say that a) it's because I'm terribly picky and b) I have ridiculously expensive taste and c) I don't really have a ridiculously expensive taste supporting type job. phooey.) Anyhoozle, I stumbled upon this beautiful marriage of fabulousicity while browsing the sites today. Enjoy.




Dress by Plenty Frock at Saks ($177); Shoes by (thine heaven known as) Marc Jacobs at Barney's in a close toe version (sorry, the image was entirely too small to share, just follow the link) ($319)

I also found these bits of heaven in yellow...not that they, obviously, go with the dress but I'm sort of a sucker for yellow shoes. Fab, no? Available for $261 on Net-A-Porter.com.



xoxo, kvlm

Open Letter to Ty Ty

Dear Tyra,
In the words of me, Que dans l'enfer? (francais for "what the hell?") I started watching America's Next Top Model the very first season, knowing from the very first episode that Yoanna had it in the bag. And if she didn't, then someone had lost their marbles over at CW and Cover Girl (though I'm not entirely sure there's a full bag of marbles between the lot of you). Since Yoanna, the only other two girls that have ever stood out above and beyond the general pack of packaged beauty on the show were Heather and Celia (above). And you cut them both. Celia for being so very old (oh no, she's 25....gasp, horror, oh the humanity! but wait, didn't you know that at casting?) and Heather for cracking under the pressure during her go-sees because, well, she has Asperger's Syndrome and that was a lot for her to handle especially in a foreign country.

I therefore think I am on the brink of a full-on ANTM boycott, much to my dismay. It is my superficial outlet; my Wednesday ritual; my well dressed train wreck. Although I vow to turn a deaf, finely jeweled ear to the season premiere every season, something in me pulls like the suction my front door creates as it sucks in wasps off the azalea each and every evening. I usually find a four-inch heel and smack that wasp down though, so what's a girl to do?

What I don't get is why you continue to accept people into the competition who have very obvious and non-alterable obstacles the modeling world will never accept? This is twice a woman over the age of 23 has made it so close to the end she could smell the Chanel No. 5 wafting through the silkscreen. And twice they were cut for "having a mature face." So why even bother? Ratings? Trying to throw the net wide to increase viewership from multiple demographics? Probably. But I think you made a huge mistake last night. This was the best thing you had going:



Somewhat magical and ethereal in character, confident, stylish and above all interesting (which is more than I can say for who is left for the panel to judge). She's got an avant garde edge that belongs on a runway and could rock any Cover Girl ad geared at the age range Cover Girl goes after (hello, Christie Brinkley???). So I'm not sure why she got cut, but even more confused why you led her on as long as you did.

I think my ANTM days are officially over. Though I will miss Mr. Jay and Mrs. Jay and Nigel, I will not miss the hypocrisy that while I know exists in the fashion world, the show continues to perpetrate with no hopes of changing what the world defines as "beauty." Come on, people, think outside of the plastic suffocating Barbie box. Girls like Celia are the next rounds of Kristen McMenamy's and Nadja Auermann's. And where would we be if someone hadn't noticed them:




Nadja Auermann



Kristen McMenamy

not so much on the love,
kvlm

Pump the Brakes

I've been a long time follower of the annual Costume Institute Gala at the Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York City. I think it all started that year my sister and I blatantly charged a full-service trip to the Big Apple just to go to the Institute's Haute Couture exhibit. Boy, did it take me years to pay off that debt...but it was well worth it. It was my introduction to Vionnet, Worth and the beginnings of exquisitely designed frocks.

The Gala is kind of like the Oscars times ten, on steroids, and with a couple of rounds of Red Bull and Vodka. Unlike the Oscars, where every second or third person is worth a pan-out, every Gala attendant is trying to thrill onlookers. Or scare them, I'm not really sure which because this year it looks like they chased that Red Bull and Vodka with a magnum of broken glass...that was covered in acid...set on fire and mixed with fruit punch.

This year's event was entitled "Model as Muse," a throwback to the famous faces gracing millions of covers over several decades. And you know I'm all about a good supermodel. Mix that with the overall struggle to live up to the Costume Institute's catalog and you get one dangerous cocktail. Behold...

note: not sure what's going on with some of the pictures but i've been writing this forfreakinever so i'm not fixing it...just click for larger views, girls!



Far be it for me to say anything negative about the hierarchy of global fashion, but Anna Wintour needs to a) eat a burger and b) stop borrowing upholestry from her interior decorator. I know it's Chanel but even Chanel, on a stick insect, can't save her. Paulina Porizkova, "legendary supermodel" who now judges America's Next Top Model (in the most annoying of ways, I might add) looks like a push-up and a lemondrop had a baby and threw up Gossamer. I just do not get this color combination. And Hilary Swank? Do you remember when Carol Burnette used to parade around the stage with tennis balls in her top and her shoulders slumped? Yes, so do I. And you are a dead ringer for her in this gown. Michael Kors < fail.


What in the name of Knots Landing is this? I mean seriously, my expectations of all three of these gorgeous women are so much higher. Brooke dates herself about ten years in this teal column with very '80's hair and makeup; Cindy, while the dress fits her supremely, looks a bit like the Cookie Monster in satin with head to toe blue; and Molly Sims looks like Jiffy Pop deluxe got hit with a bedazzler. Frightening girls, just frightening. And note the shoes...the whole short dress/clunky shoe combo was everywhere and I am not a fan. NOT a fan.


Now these three scare me all for very different reasons, they're just inconsequently short. I love Anne's Marc Jacobs dress...I think...the color is regal, the design is flawless. But the hair, the shoes and the make-up smack of Joan Collins and that's just not ok. Give me about three more inches on that hem, a really good push-up bra and softer locks and we would be good to go. Now Diane Kruger's Chanel dress is adorable and I love the black accents. Again, just wish the hem had a little more...substance? Same for Kate. The best thing about her ensemble is what she has on her arm, and while the designer is responsible for her look, I can't help but really not love this Marc Jacobs. She looks like my Grandma in the early 70's; she's just had her hair "did," and nothings been laundered except the outfit she wore to that costume party about the music she didn't understand. Awesome.


I hate to pick on newly engaged and glowing Clare Danes in her Armani Prive. It's not that she doesn't look lovely...the color is good for her, it's elegant, her skin is amazing. But this is a good lesson in proportion. The line of the top looks entirely too low for her thin neck and rather defined clavicles making her, well, bosom look much smaller; therefore the space between her girls and her waist looks a lot shorter than it actually is giving her waist little definition and drawing more attention to the width of her thighs. And Clare Danes doesn't really have "thighs." So...yeah, sorry for the long drawn out but this is something I see a lot in thin girls who have some curves down south but not much up north. You have to be careful of that waist line! (Wow...I sound like an old seamstress named Hazel who is like 55 years old and wears the same thing every day).

Anyscare, let's move on to the goth in between. Karen Elson, simply, looks like Coppola's Lucy from Dracula (not that that's necessarily a bad thing, depending on the day and my mood) but the fact that Jack is looking ever so jaundiced as usual, coupled with the Stoker feel of her overall schtick, really is overkill. But I would like to give him a nod for his shoes. I just want to cut his hair, straighten his spine and get him some sun. Didn't he read V.C. Andrews? Too little sun can lead to an enlarged nog. Geez.

Do you even recognize Rachel Weisz, that seering magical British beauty everyone adores, in the third photo? Because I didn't. It would appear that Mistress Wang got a hold of my lovely girl and tulled her to death. Even she looks confused. From the knees to the top of the dress, I love it...I mean what girl doesn't get a little doe-eyed over ballet pink and tulle? From the knees down it looks a bit like the fairy skirt I stapled to a ribbon for my nieces third Halloween. But I actually used colors that went together. And speaking of things that don't go together...Tyra's hair doesn't go with anything. Ever. At all. Period. Is it a hat? Is it a weave? Is it a backwards chignon? I don't know but apparently she's starving her do the same way she's starving her body. One can only assume that she followed Goop's detox diet since the highlight of this Gala would be on models of her decade...and lord knows child did not want to look like she'd had too many date nights with Ben & Jerry when she's wearing Badgley (&) Mischka.


I know two girls whose stylists are out of a job today.


What on earth has happened to Selma Blair? And who told her that hand bag was ok with her black Marc Jacobs? And why is Winona Ryder still relevant? And what in the name of the Good Lord is she wearing?


Now this is just the creme de la creme of fashion no-no's. And it's the creme de la creme of fashionistas; the Godmother of all things cool and trendsetting. Now I get that the Costume Institute Gala allows people to push the envelope a bit and teeter on that fine line between clothing and costuming but really? What in the hell? The actual concept of the "dress" (and I use that term very loosely) is interesting (it is, afterall, Louis Vuitton) but if you close your eyes real tight (you know, after the gag reflex of seeing Madge this way) you can almost envision this dress with a few more tiers and hitting the floor...think saloon if you will. But the thing in the hair just looks like she had some sort of horrid and rancid breakdown in the process of getting ready for this shindig. Like maybe she had a very Scarlett moment and got ahold of her curtains. I don't know...I just know it's bad. Real bad. Bai Ling bad...no, maybe even worse.

However, I get now why Jesus is named Jesus, because JESUS...look at that man.

I only stuck Leighton Meester next to Madge because this, too, is Louis Vuitton. Now, honestly, I don't hate this. The structure is fantastically interesting and the color is great. And she looks edible. But that four inches between her shin and her ankle? Yeah not so much. Just say no to Xanadu, people, say no.

Ok...phew. So this is how NOT to do it, so let's go on to how TO do it:


Agyness Deyn in Burberry; Emma Roberts in Atelier Versace (this is how to do short dresses with clunky shoes!); Ivanka Trump in Brian Reyes; and Marion Cotillard in Galliano with the designer.


Zac Posen and Helena Christensen in his design (doesn't he look incredible!); Mary-Kate Olsen in Christian Lacroix (thank G-d someone wore Christian Lacroix last night); Heidi Klum and her adorable pregnant self in J Mendel with the designer, Gilles Mendel; Victoria Beckham (signature pose?) in Marc Jacobs.


Kate Hudson, Stella McCartney, Liv Tyler and Kate Bosworth all in Stella McCartney.


These are the girls we love! Kristen McMenamy in Givenchy Couture; Amber Valleta in vintage James Galanos; Shalom Harlow; Stella Tennant in vintage Helmut Lang; Natalia Vodianova in vintage Fortuny; Nadja Auermann in Lanvin; and Eva Herzigova in vintage Dolce & Gabbana.


And the five best go to...Elizabeth Hurley in Elie Saab; Jessica Biel in Versace (her stylist should get a huge raise for this one); Oluchi Onweagba in Oscar de la Renta; and Shalom Harlow...and number five...


Veronica Lake or Kate Bosworth? She really embodies the history and glamour that is housed behind the glass installation at the Costume Institute. It's classic and current at the same time. Stella McCartney's design is flawless on her. And if you have any question of that, just take a gander at Bruce Willis' face.


xoxo, k.

A Little Miu Miu for Yiu Yiu

And some Prada, too too. There are few things in life (not including people, of course) that give me pause quite the way the following do: jazz, books, art and fashion. And I'm a bloody sucker for Miu Miu and Prada footware...architecturally and artistically, they are genius. I think my heart actually palpitates when I see them.

A tribute, both old and new...








And my all time favorites. I admit, I have to stare at these about once a month... picture myself out in Paris, fabulous simple dress, insane ridiculously amazing shoes...sigh.



xo,
kvlm