01 February 2010

2010 Grammys, Y'all

I only say that, not because I'm a southerner, but because I'm going to start this post off with a certain celebrity known for ending just about every sentence with the word "y'all." I am also going to try something different, though unrelated, with this post: keeping it a few sentences per image. Why you may ask? (Or rather, "why y'all??") Simply because I just don't really care.

If the Grammy's promise one thing fashion-wise every year it's that the red carpet is more an avenue to further sculpt a music video created persona. It's costume-y and it's usually pretty hideous, though not altogether shocking (it's not exactly a mystery that Lady Gaga is going to show up looking like she's on crack anymore is it?) So sit back, relax, and pray for the Oscars; here come the 2010 Grammys:

Dear Britney, there is only one person on the planet who can get away with wearing this transparent Dolce. Her name is Madonna. You tongued her once, let it go. Also, choose fishnets or mesh skirt, but certainly not both. (P.S. Glad to see you looking so healthy though; rock on, sister.)

Dear Taylor: You are pretty and young and adorable. But that dress, I am pretty sure, was stolen from a made-for-tv movie based on a novel by Danielle Steel. Please return it and no one will get hurt. And while you are at it, hire a tailor. It doesn't fit you right, pumpkin.

Katy Perry's Zac Posen dress is kind of obnoxious on its own. It looks like maybe it was made for Marcia Brady. But it matches Katy's quirky and glittery personality so I won't totally tear it down. I will say if you are going to rock nylon/figure skating mesh-y dresses, invest in a different bra, doll. You are too young to be that low, if ya get what I'm putting down.

Rhianna in Elie Saab. Another white dress. Ice queen vs. dominatrix, good vs. evil, do-gooder vs. bad girl. Blah blah blah. Boring boring boring. (I do love her makeup, however, it's so Tilda in Narnia).

I meant to save this file as "Gaga" but accidentally saved it as "gag." Freudian slip anyone? The only thing interesting about this is that it's custom Armani Prive (Giorgio, really? Really??). But what would be even more interesting is if she showed up normal. Now that would make headlines. Plus, I bet she'd look really pretty.

Miley Cyrus in Herve Leger by Max Azria. No doubt the idea for this came out of the very sad collaboration that is Miley and Max's line for Walmart. Have you seen that mess? Plaid shirts and leggings abound. Was Miley even alive at the height of the Herve Leger dress? Yeah, I don't think so. This denim colored alien nightmare does nothing for her -- head to toe nothing. Shudder

Ahhhh....bedazzler!!!!!! Ballet costume!!!!!! Scissors!!!!!! Oh, my eyes!!!!!!!!!!! Make it stop!!!! (And holy FS, it's Badgley Mischka...wtfh?)

Dear Heidi: Never change. I kind of like your post-fourth-baby body especially in this Pucci mini. (I won't mention the shoes, though.) And your accessory, well he's hot. Well done. You are in. You may leave the runway.

There is never an occasion, no matter how rock 'n roll, where it is ok for both husband and wife to be shiny. There just isn't.

Didn't Melissa George wear this to last year's Oscars? Look, Keri Hilson, I love a ballet costume inspired look as much as anybody, hell I was basically born wearing a tutu. But when you mix ballet with sausage skin with Morticia Addams, it just doesn't translate, dig?

I wish I could say that "Tik Tok" hasn't gotten repeatedly stuck in my head or that I haven't found myself dancing to it in the middle of Target, but I have. And, hey, Ke$ha here is from Franklin, which I love. But this...? I thought I was looking at a 90 year-old Grandma who was trying to jazz it up with some leftover Vegas showgirl hand me downs. Look, youngsters (Taylor and Miley included) embrace your youth and stop dressing like the Golden Girls. Seriously.

Quick!! Someone call Sesame Street!!! Cookie Monster ate Malina Moye's arm!!!!!!

Niecy Nash, girl, that is some foolishness and mayhem! And you are so much hotter than that. Please see reprimand for Keri Hilson and get back to me.

Someone please explain to me why Phoebe Price is relevant? Wiki tells me she is an "international supermodel" but in all my years of following/studying fashion, I have never seen her in one campaign so how is that so? She looks like she's been swallowed by an amoeba. We could only be so lucky.

Dear Beyonce: The thing is, you are so lovely and shine so bright, that I don't really even care that you are in desperate need of a real stylist. But, honey, I think my aunt has a couch covered in this. Repeat after me, Sasha Fierce: we do not wear upholstery. We do not wear upholstery.

Whoever this Sasha person is, she looks like she's about one step away from breast feeding the photographer and that maybe her bff hot glued some last minute black lace to the sheet she rolled out of bed in. Frightening.

I knew when I saw all of those over the knee black boots on the runway that they were going to end up somewhere on somebody somekindofawful. I just never thought in a million years it would be Shawn Colvin! As my husband said, "isnt' she like 76? Didn't she marry Kris Kristofferson and birth the Indigo Girls?" Not that age has a damn thing to do with it, but let's take note: sweet, princess neckline cocktail dresses with big ass-kicking boots and the crown jewels does not work. Sonny, go home; go home now.

Last, but certainly not least, if anything most, are the runner-up and winner of best dressed for the Grammys according to, well, moi. Not to say that there wasn't a minute sprinkling of other well dressed celebs (Fergie, Kristen Bell, and John Legend's lady friend, to name a few) but these were my stand outs.

This dress had to grow on me, but ultimately, I think Pink is hot. She's got a fantastic figure and is probably the only person who could make this not only ombred but scalloped dress work. Too, this is another example of wearing a dress that compliments your whole vibe. You can either wear a dress or be worn by a dress. She's wearing that -- out!

And the winner is: Ciara!! Even though she is getting a lot of criticism for her Grammy wear, at least from several of the sites I frequent, I have to totally, 100%, unequivocally disagree with all of it. I don't know a thing about her, wouldn't know a song if it bit me in my little pinky toe, but my girl is wearing Givenchy couture. And doing it rather well I might add. This look appeared on the runway just days before she donned it on the red carpet. That was smart. She kept it chic and simple and she looks like a bloody supermodel so, back down, critics, and give Givenchy some breathing room.

Ok, next up: how I would dress every day if I were famous (though it might be a smidge odd at the grocery).

til then --


  1. Lord, your commentary just tickles the hell out of me. And if I were famous (or just bloody rolling in it), I would wear the green dress from the cover of _The Other Boleyn Girl_ to the damn dollar store, cause we all know I would still shop there.

  2. glad to give you a chuckle. yes, the boleyn dress is divine, but this is my pick: http://frockpaperscissors.blogspot.com/2010/02/if-i-were-famous.html

  3. OMG THAT WAS COMPLETELY CLASSIC! Were you caffeinated when you wrote this?? You so just got me through the next hour of my work day and that is SAYING something!!!!!!! Bless your heart!